This is how I tech when I tech like this
I WILL MAKE A HABIT OF UPDATING THIS THING EVENTUALLY.

So my school called me up at dickshit o clock last night with the UNDENIABLE PROPOSAL to tech a funeral service for a retired teacher who had died recently. This is of course code for what I would later find out means, "ALL THE REAL TECHIES ARE ON VACATION OR WORKING AND THE FACULTY TECHIE IS GOING CONTRA DANCING INSTEAD OF DOING HIS JOB. Before I continue I must point out a few things:



1) My school has two tech booths. One for the assembly hall and one for the school theatre down the road. I work in the theatre.

2) The theatre's equipment, from lights to lightboards to soundboards to pretty much all of the wood originates from the early seventies, if not earlier (especially the wood). Thusly, if you wish to use the sound system, all you have to do is press a button. That being, the power button on the soundboard.

3) Because the assembly hall is brand-spanking new (re: several years old), it has "top of the line"(not really) equipment from the last three or so years. This of course means, because it's new technology, that in order to use the sound system you need to push several buttons. In the right order. Otherwise the speakers blow and shatter everyone's eardrums or something disastrous like that. This process entails turning on the soundboard, and then directing your attention to what I am sure is all very crucial and important equipment but what looks to me like big colorful lights with buttons next to them and the occasional sliding or turning thingy.

4) I haven't worked tech for the assembly booth in two years.

5) Everything was changed, reconfigured, or otherwised moved in my absence. Also they added new equipment which means MORE BUTTONS TO PRESS IN A CERTAIN ORDER 8D



Anyway being the model citizen/student/pussy that I am I agreed (I tried to get them to find someone else. Their reply was that I am the only techie they could get ahold of. I reply that I am not a techie. They did not seem to care) and only later discovered I would be paid for my efforts. I have yet to find out what this monetary compensation will be in number form. I am told to be in the assembly hall at 11 AM sharp to recieve my keys and that the service will start at noon.

Sometime during the night I received some kind of vision or telepathic message, which consisted of the new Caulder (assembly hall) Tech Head, Guillome, saying, "TURN THE BOARD ON FIRST. YOU ALWAYS TURN THE SOUNDBOARD ON FIRST. THEN, TOP TO BOTTOM. JACKASS. FUCK YOU. GOD DAMNIT" and then proceeding to turn into a walrus or something the dream got a little fuzzy at that point. I wouldn't consider this proof that God exists and likes to meddle in petty affairs but it was pretty freaky.



So today comes along, I wake up at 9:30 for the first time in a month, get dressed and whatnot and eventually make my way out the door just in time for the half hour drive to my school. I get there with about ten minutes to spare, and the only person I can see anywhere in the assembly building is the Head Cook, who is setting up tables. I ask if he has seen my art teacher, for she is the one who called me. He says no. So to kill time, I help him set things up.

So noon comes along and there is still no sign of Sue (said teacher). Finally, I gave up, walked into the board of trustees meeting and tell the the work committee head that either she gives me her keys or there won't be a service. This may have had unintended effects to be seen later, but I doubt it since most, if not all of the trustees are former Putney students and know the crazy stupid shit that goes on here.

Anyway I head inside the tech booth and discover that I was correct in my initial assumption that I have no idea wtf I'm doing. I recall my vision, however, and gingerly turn on the soundboard. No explosion. Not even a pop. I take a deep breath and switch on the top amp. Nothing happens. I work my way down the tower of shiny lights and moving thingies. Everything seems to be working. I turn monitor up halfway, switch to mono, and move the wireless and mono sliders up to full. I unmute wireless. I turn the wireless mic on.

Nothing happens.

I change the wireless mic's batteries.

Nothing happens.

I proceed to futz around with every damned dial and button on the soundboard.

Nothing happens. But the lightboard works. So I futz with that and get something nice and mournful but without being too depressing.

I check to see if the sound running through the computer works. It does. So something is wrong with the microphone. Except apparently it was working "just the other day", I am told as I explain the situation to various people.

Finally, I give up and call the now-graduated Head Techie of the previous year and she runs me through the various steps. While I'm working with her, I am also examining this small, gray box, which looks like a router with two antennae and less buttons than a polo shirt. This is the wireless receiver for the wireless microphone, which should be working fine as long as nobody touched it. Suddenly, and I have no idea what I did, the number displayed changes from a three to a two. The speakers crackle and the microphone works. SUCCESS!

Anyway things went pretty smoothly from there. Some douche complained about there not being a stand, so I brought down a stand. Apparently it wasn't the right stand and we do not have any wireless mic stands and god forbid you hold the goddamned microphone. So I got some electrical tape and taped the mic to the stand because that's how you do things the Putney way also known as the lazy fucker way. So finally it's 2 PM and the service finally starts.



It's an interesting thing, watching a funeral service. When people tell you about their living friends, you find out a lot about their actions and what their usual disposition is, but you don't really feel the same connection, the feeling that you know the person, as when you hear people reminisce about every little thing: from how they always used to stop now and then and go, "hey! Listen! That bird is a rare (blah blah blah), you can tell by the pitch of (etc.)!" to how they used to drink their tea. I think I would have liked this guy. The way they talked about his overly vicious (but hilarious) banter with friends and his love of life and the arts, how he enjoyed to travel to new and exotic countries- he seemed a lot like someone I would have become good friends with.

Regardless it's over and I am tired and that was my day. I wouldn't normally post about something like this, or anything at all, but I felt like sharing my misadventures.